I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
