I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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