I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
