I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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