the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
