Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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