you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
