I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
