I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
