There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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