mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We just shotgunned beers for America
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
