you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
