I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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