Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
