why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
