Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
