I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
