i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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