After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
