Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
