I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
