atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
