getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
