Is it normal to miss your booty call?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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