U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
