the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I wear drunk well.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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