I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
