So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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