We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
this must be what syphilis tastes like
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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