Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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