does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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