i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
