You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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