Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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