I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
how do you play pong handcuffed?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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