is your mom at the bar?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
