ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
