You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
