Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
