I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
