I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
