GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
