He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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