You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
