some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
