Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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