I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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