you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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