apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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