Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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